101 Ways to Annoy Severus Snape
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: Love him or hate him, it's hilarious to annoy Severus Snape. So, here are 101 ways to BOTHER the Potions Master, The Half-Blood Prince, Sevvy-kins, etc. etc. ON HOLD UNTIL FURTHUR NOTICE. SORRY.
1. The List

**Wolf: This is my Halloween present to the world. Just one thing really quick: I HATE slash, so…yeah. It's disgusting. But here's some torture for the Potions Master! And I also know you can't use polyjuice Potion to turn into a dead person, but for the sake of the story, let's forget that little detail...**

**Severus: Why do you torture me like this?**

**Wolf: Sorry…I'm a huge Severus fan, but I couldn't help myself. I own nothing here. If I was J.K. Rowling, why would I write Harry Potter fan fiction?**

**Ways to Annoy Severus Snape**

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1.) Claim greasy hair is flammable.

2.) Light a flamethrower right above his head to prove it.

3.) Play Darth Vader's theme music (The Imperial March) whenever he is in sight.

4.) Spike his pumpkin juice with love potion.

5.) Use Polyjuice Potion to turn into Lily. Slap him and say that you liked James better.

6.) If you're feeling really evil, tell him you liked Dumbledore better than either of them.

7.) Set his robes on fire and say, "Not again!" Laugh.

8.) Dye all of his robes pink.

9.)Send him shampoo for Christmas, with a note attached that reads, "Take the hint."

10.) Also send him red and gold socks.

11.) Replace his pain relieving potions for the Cruciatus Curse with urine.

12.) Use computer editing to make incriminating photos of him.

13.) Invite him to Sirius Black's birthday party.

14.) Charm his hair into dread locks.

15.) In his private chambers, replace all of the Slytherin insignias and colors with those of Gryffindor.

16.) Tamper with Dumbledore's candy to give the consumer diarrhea. Give it to him and say it's from Lucius Malfoy.

17.)Tell Colin Creevey that Snape offered to pose nude for him.

18.) Cover his classroom with flowers and pink teddy bears. Leave a note that says _Best of wishes, Snivellus. From the Marauders_

19.) Shove Fillibuster fireworks into his loo.

20.) Create the first Severus Snape Barbie doll. Sell them to everyone at Hogwarts.

21.) Draw a lightning bolt scar on his forehead.

22.) Legally change his name to "Princess Cuddles McFluffigan."

23.) Shove him into the wall, screaming, "BOTHER! BOTHER!"

24.) Tie him to a chair and make him watch_ Barney._

25.) Weeks later, sing the "I Love You" song nonstop.

26.) If he is attacked by Dementors, replace his chocolate with laxatives.

27.) Put the Sorting Hat in his room. Make it sing the soundtrack from_ High School Musical._

28.) Compare his life to Darth Vader's.

29.) Set him up on a blind date with Umbridge...or Bellatrix...or Voldemort.

30.) Unleash hundreds of Pygmy Puffs on him. Make sure they are out for his blood.

31.) Give him a copy of_ Twilight_. If he refuses to read it, read it to him yourself while he is tied to a chair.

32.) Say that he is a distant relative of the Cullens.

33.) If he attempts to hex you after this, run away, screaming, "HE WANTS MY BLOOD!"

34.) Tell Rita Skeeter that Snape is a vampire. Have it published in the Daily Prophet.

35.) Ask Moaning Myrtle to stalk him.

36.) "Snape, Snape, Severus Snape…" Repeat it. Over and over and over again…

37.) Use Polyjuice to look like Ron Weasley. Hand him a pregnancy test and say to him, "I think you might need this."

38.) Give him "special brownies." Don't say why the brownies are special.

39.) Cuss him out in Parseltongue.

40.) If you can't speak Parseltongue, make up a language.

41.) Sing "Mr. Brightside" if he ever mentions James or Lily.

42.) Send him a Howler that shrieks, "REMEMBER TO CHANGE YOUR TAMPON!"

43.) If you want, you can also send him a Howler that sings the song "Milkshake."

44.) Put Blast-ended Skrewts in his socks and underwear drawers.

45.) Brag to him about how you "killed Harry Potter."

46.) Reenact Potter Puppet Pals. Especially The Mysterious Ticking Noise.

47.) Force him to watch The Notebook.

48.) At the end, blow your nose and say, "It was so beautiful! It's just too bad you'll never get the girl in the ending, huh, Sevvy-kins?"

49.) Follow him around with a banjo.

50.) Create Snape's own theme song to play on said banjo.

51.) Charm his hair to make it appear to be orange. Say he's distantly a Weasley.

52.) Hide in knight armor. When he walks by, sing crude versions of Christmas carols.

53.) Take pictures of his poop. Then give the pictures to The Daily Prophet as proof that Severus Snape does indeed take craps.

54.) Tell him you killed Voldermort with an AK-47. Ask him why no one ever tried that before.

55.) Video tape him singing "Bleeding Love" in the mirror. Post it on the internet.

56.) Whenever he takes points from Gryffindor, yell, "BURN!"

57.) Cover his classroom with Hannah Montana posters.

58.) Attempt to fry an egg on his greasy hair.

59.) Ask him if there's even anything underneath his robes.

60.) Repeat, "It's not your fault…It's not your fault…It's not your fault…"

61.)Tell Dobby that Severus is trying to kill Harry Potter.

62.) Steal his Death Eater robes and mask. Corner him and sing songs from The Phantom of the Opera.

63.) Start a betting pool that Severus is Harry's father.

64.) Also start a betting pool that Voldermort is really Severus' uncle.

65.) Claim the Weasely twins are somehow reincarnations of James Potter.

66.) Dress in a banana suit and sing, "IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!" wherever he goes.

67.) If he attempts Occulmency on you, think," I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves!"

68.) Thinking, "Dang, Sevvy-kins is looking hot today!" works just as well, though.

69.) Hold a Muggle-style wrestling match in Severus' private quarters.

70.) Also have a toga party in his private chambers.

71.) If he discovers the party, have the Weasley twins dump a keg of firewhiskey on him

72.) Sneak the "illness" halves of Skiving Snackboxes into his meals. If anyone asks about him, just say, "Oh, it's his time of month again, you know. The vomit and nosebleeds are normal for him."

73.) Wonder out loud why Snape doesn't have as luscious hair as Lucius Malfoy.

74.) Comment on how the "Potions Master" and the "Half-Blood Prince" both make him sound like a cocky a-hole.

75.) Blow raspberries every time someone says his name.

76.) Point your wand at him and holler, "HOCUS POCUS BANANA NANA FOCUS!" Also say, "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

77.) In a deep voice, say, "Severus, I am your father."

78.) Laugh at his reaction.

79.) At any given time, cheerfully say, "Chewbacca!"

80.) Glare at Snape when he doesn't understand this.

81.) Give him pointed ears and call him "Spock."

82.) Tell everyone that when Snape looks in the Mirror of Erised, he sees himself regaining his manhood.

83.) Hide a pack of rabid Severus fan girls in the office.

84.) Give his Pensieve to Sirius Black. Make sure it contains Snape's most embarrassing memories.

85.) Tell him all about Neville Longbottom's boggart. Take pictures of it, and spread them around the school.

86.) Use the Imperius Curse on him. Have him stand up on the Gryffindor House tabe during dinner and do the Chicken Dance.

87.) In a perfect Adam Sandler impression, tell Severus he needs his hair to become "Silky and smooth."

88.) Ask if his Animagus is a fluffy pink pussycat.

89.) If he says no, respond by saying that his Animagus form is really a purple unicorn with a mohawk.

90.) Sneak up behind him, smack the back of his head, and say, "I'm your daughter from the future!"

91.) If he asks who your mother is, say she was Hermione Granger.

92.) When he glowers at you, laugh and say, "Okay, I lied! My mother was Harry Potter!"

93.) If he doesn't even ask anything, and just attempts to curse you, say, "Why would you curse your own daughter?"

94.) If this doesn't work, say, "Now, now, what would Grandma Princey say about this?"

95.) Inhale helium and sing songs from _Alvin and the Chipmunks._

96.) Force him to go to a Muggle hair salon.

97.) Give him a swirlie. Calmly explain to him how toilet water can get rid of greasy hair.

98.) If all attempts to stop his greasy hair fails, shave his head bald.

99.) Show him the horrors of fanfiction.

100.) While showing him fan fiction, linger for quite a long time on all of the Snarry fics out there.

Finally, the final way to annoy him…

101.) Once you have done all of these things, tell Snape you are actually Sirius Black using Polyjuice Potion. Cackle insanely and run like heck.

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**Wolf: Mwuahaha! And to think I thought of all of these in only one day!**

**Anakin: You scare me.**

**Wolf: Yeah, anyways, I thought I'd put this at the bottom, as to not spoil the fic.**

**I don't own Harry Potter, Star Wars, Potter Puppet Pals, Barney, High School Musical, Twilight, The Notebook, Hannah Montana, The Phantom of the Opera, Star Trek, Adam Sandler, Barbie, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Mr. Brightside, Milkshake, Bleeding Love, Peanut Butter Jelly Time, or the Chicken Dance. I also don't own the phrase, "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"**

**Review! Review! Review!**


	2. Flaming Greasy Hair

**Wolf: Well, I decided to continue this!**

**James, Sirius, Remus, Fred, George, Harry, and Ron: YEAH!!!**

**Severus: NOOOO!**

**Wolf: Look, I'm sorry! Snape is my fifth favorite character of all time, but this is just too much fun! Anyways, I don't own Harry Potter.**

**1 and 2: Claim that greasy hair is flammable. Light a flamethrower above his head to prove it.**

* * *

James Potter and Sirius Black were wandering the hallways of Hogwarts. To a stranger, they would seem like they were having an innocent adventure. To anyone who had ever known them, however, that person would know immediately something was wrong. James and Sirius were out to prank their favorite victim.

That victim happened to be Severus Snape, who was now only a few feet away.

"Hey, Snivellus!" Sirius shouted. Snape spun around and glared at them. "Say, Snivellus, did you know that greasy hair is flammable?"

James grinned. "See, we'll prove it!" James and Sirius both shot a burst of light from their wands, and Snape's hair was on fire. He screamed.

"Dang, Snivvelus," Sirius barked, "I didn't know you were such a hothead!" They both laughed as Severus was tortured a bit longer. Deciding to end it, they stopped the spell. Then they ran for their lives, still laughing, as a furious Snape sent hexes their way.

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**Wolf: Poor Severus.**

**Sirius and James: (Run away.)**

**Severus: GET BACK HERE! (Aims several **_**Sectumsempra **_**spells in the Marauders direction.)**

**Remus: When do I join in?**

**Wolf: Not for a while. Review! I'm not one hundred percent sure I'm going to continue this, since I'm already writing two stories, and am planning nother one, but review to help me decide!**


	3. The Imperial March

**Wolf: Yay, it's the next chapter!**

**Fred and George: Yay!**

**Severus: Nooooo!**

**Wolf: yeah, I don't own Harry Potter or Star Wars. Anyways…**

**3: Play Darth Vader's theme music (The Imperial March.) whenever he is in sight.**

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Fred and George sat the Muggle radio underneath their desk. Class would be starting soon, and the greasy git would be walking in in 5...4...3...2...1...

Snape strode in, robes billowing, almost like a black cape. At that exact moment, music began play. Any Muggle-born who was a Star Wars fan would immediately recognize it as Darth Vader's theme, The Imperial March.

"_Dun dun dun_

_Dun dah duh!_

_Dun dah duh!_

_Dun dun dun_

_Dun dah duh!_

_Dun dah duh!"_

Snape glared, his coal black eyes scanning the giggling students. "who is playing that basted music?"

Fred and George hid behind their books, trying to look innocent. Snape immediately suspected them. He walked over, looked under the desk, and shut off the radio. The students all whined in disappointment.

"Detention, Weaselys!" he bellowed.

"What ever you say, Darth," replied a cheeky Fred.

"Yeah," continued George, "next he'll be saying he's our father!"

"Or that he's building a weapon of mass destruction!"

They both laughed and tapped knuckles, while Snape groaned.

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**Wolf: Wow, these are short.**

**Vader: I know.**

**Sirius: What are you doing here?**

**Severus: Yes, this is not your story.**

**Sirius: SNAPE!**

**Severus: BLACK!**

**Sirius and Severus: (Begin dueling.)**

**Wolf: Uhh…review!**


	4. Love Potion

**Wolf: Ooh, I made my algebra teacher lose her train of thought today!**

**Ron: How?**

**Wolf: She was giving us this lecture on directions, then she mentioned how she turned on the TV and Hannah Montana was on, so I yelled out, "That show is HORRIBLE!"**

**Ron: HA!**

**Wolf: Then, a minute later she said, "…I completely lost my train of thought, but I agree. It is horrible."**

**Ron: Wow.**

**Wolf: Anyways, I don't own Harry Potter or any of the songs mentioned in this chapter.**

**4: Spike his pumpkin juice with love potion. Make him fall in love with Draco Malfoy.**

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The fake sky in the Great Hall was beautiful today. Fred and George snickered as they sneaked up to the staff table underneath Harry's Invisibility Cloak.

"You're sure this is going to work, mate?" asked George.

Fred nodded. "Of course it will! The greasy git won't even realize what happened!"

They were now next to Professor Snape. Fred and George managed to hold in their laughter as George poured the love potion into Snape's pumpkin juice. The sprinted away silently. Once they were a safe distance away, they burst into laughter.

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Snape scowled as he took a gulp of his pumpkin juice. He had his whole day planned. Potter and Weasley would each get detention with Filch, and then-

He stopped in mid-thought. Something strange was happening to him. Why did Draco seem so…he stood up on the staff table. "DRACO MALFOY, I LOVE YOU!"

Total silence greeted him as he ran at Malfoy. Horrified, Draco fled the Great Hall, and dashed through the Hogwarts halls,with Snape hot on his heels. He aimed a curse back at the Professor.

His aim was true. The curse hit Snape in the chest, sending him flying backwards. When he rose, the look on his face was that of pure rage, and his pale face was burning crimson.

"WEASLEYS!!!"

Underneath Harry's Invisibility Cloak, Fred and George loudly bellowed out "Love Potion Number 9" as the fled from the furious Potions Master.

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**Wolf: You gotta love Fred and George.**

**Severus: I, for one, hate them with a burning fury.**

**Fred: Now, come on, Snape! You just left Draco like that!**

**George: Yeah, he's waiting for you!**

**Wolf: That's nasty. **

**Severus: (Yanks out wand.)**

**Fred: Now, now, Sevvy-kins-**

**George: You can't go cursing students into oblivion, can you?**

**Wolf: Review!**


	5. Lily Evans Potter

**Wolf: Okay, since these are so short, I'll post for than one for a day.**

**Sirius: Yay!**

**Severus: No!**

**Wolf: Yes! Anyways, I don't own Harry Potter. Why would I be writing fan fiction if I did?**

**5.) Use Polyjuice Potion to turn into Lily. Slap him and say that you liked James better.**

**6.) If you're feeling really evil, tell him you liked Dumbledore better than either of them.**

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Sirius snickered as he threw a few of his best friend's wife's hairs into the Polyjuice Potion. The potion turned a violent shade of orange. He chugged it down, then got ready for his plan.

Snape sighed as he strode through the empty hallway, his robe billowing behind him. He was thinking of his beloved Lily, and how she had…had…

He came to an abrupt halt. Lily was standing at the other end of the hall, glowering at him.

"Lily?" he asked. Slowly, she walked towards him. Soon she was right in front of him. Snape took a deep breath, about to cry in relief…and she smacked him. Hard.

"I liked James better than you!" she said, as she smacked Snape speechless again.

"Wh-wh-wh-what? L-L-L-Lily, but-" she cut him off.

"Actually, now that I think about it, I liked Dumbledore better than either of you!" she slapped him one more time, then she left him there, silently sobbing.

Snape didn't know how long he sat there. He was thinking. Now, Lily liked Dumbledore, and…"Wait a minute!" he snarled. Lily hadn't been in a ghost form, nor was she a poltergeist, so that meant only one thing.

"BLACK!!!"

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**Wolf: You know, Snape, you have a habit for hollering out people's last names when you are ticked.**

**Severus: You do realize that you aren't a student, an d I can legally hex you.**

**Wolf: How do you know I'm not a student?**

**Severus: Great…you are a pathetic fool.**

**Wolf: 5 points from Sytherin for calling me a fool!**

**Severus: THAT IS IT! (Pulls out wand.) **_**Sectum-**_

**Wolf: Uhh, review! Or else! (Flees from Snape and his scary curses.)**


	6. Billowing Robes of Fire

**Wolf: I am sooooooooooooooooo bored!**

**Severus: Well, then do something, you idiotic Gryffindor!**

**Fred: If we shove you into the wall-**

**George: screaming' BOTHER'-**

**Fred: Does that count as doing something?**

**Severus: Detention, Weasleys!**

**Fred: That was uncalled for!**

**George: Yeah, you greasy git!**

**Wolf: I don't own Harry Potter! (Ducks to avoid Snape's **_**Sectumsempra **_**curse.)**

**7: Set his robes on fire and say, "Not again!"**

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Harry giggled quietly as he and Ron hid underneath the Invisibility Cloak. Snape, the greasy git, was directly in front of them, and Snape didn't realize they were even there!

"So…"muttered Ron, "do we do it now?"

Harry nodded. "_Ignis!"_ he murmured, pointing his wand at Snape's robes. Instantly, they caught on fire.

"What the-" Snape exclaimed, as he noticed the smoke. He twisted around, only to find his robes on fire without any known cause. Unfortunately, he knew about the Invisibility Cloak. "POTTER!" he bellowed.

Ron snickered. "Not again!" he responded, before him and Harry dashed away, cackling like maniacs.

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**Wolf: Well, it's not the best, but it's almost midnight here! Of course it's going to be iffy!**

**Ron: Iffy? Did you just say iffy?**

**Wolf: Yes…**

**Ron: You're a weirdo.**

**Wolf: Why thank you! Review! I need reviews!**


	7. Pinky

**Wolf: Bwuahahaha! This is another psycho chapter! I got my boxed set of all seven Harry Potter books today!**

**Severus: Oh, really…**

**Wolf: Yes, really!**

**Harry: (Looks around strange surroundings.)Where the heck are we?**

**Wolf: It appears that we are on some sort of deserted rock in the middle of an ocean.**

**Severus: I had been quite confused, seeing how a rock could easily be mistaken for Potter's head.**

**Harry: Oh, ha ha…**

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**8: Dye all of his robes pink.**

Severus Snape sighed as he opened up his closet. He had only given out three detentions yesterday! He had better make sure he gave out more today. He peered into his closet, only to discover a total shocker.

The robes were pink.

His frustration growing, he looked all through the closet. Everything in there was pink. The same was true for all the clothes in his dressers. He looked into a mirror and swore. Even the pajamas he was wearing were pink!

He swore a blue…err, pink streak. Who could have done-

A loud laugh exploded from the opposite end of the room. He immediately recognized it as Potter's obnoxious voice.

"Harry!" aid another voice. Sirius Black. Severus whipped around in the direction of the voices. He pulled out his wand and jabbed it in the direction of the idiotic pair of dunderheads. "_Sectum-"_

"RUN!!!!!!!!" Potter and Black fled the room, with Snape hot on their heels.

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**Wolf: Hooray for annoying people!**

**Harry: Hooray!**

**Sirius: Hooray!**

**Severus: I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU TWO DUNDERHEADS! **_**SECTUMSEMPRA!!!!**_

**Harry and Sirius: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Run from Snape again.)**

**Wolf: Ha ha ha! Review! (Sips coffee and watches chase.)**

**Hermione: (Approaches Wolf.) I don't know whether to stop Snape, gasp in horror and help Harry and Sirius, or just laugh.**

**Nemesis: (Appears suddenly.) I, for one, am going to watch and laugh. (Pulls out pie and eats some.)**

**Wolf: HOLY DUMBLEDORE'S POO, YOU HAVE PIE!!! (Eats some pie.)**

**Hermione and Nemesis: (Pull up chairs to watch chase.)**


	8. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

**Wolf: Okay, I'm really sorry about the wait. Really! But I was busy with A Christmas Carol, Craziness, Warriors Use IM!, and real life.**

**Harry: Easy for you to say! I have an urge to torture Snape!**

**Severus: Professor, Mr. Potter.**

**Harry: There's no need to call me Professor.**

**Severus: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!**

**Wolf: Oh yeah, I don't own Harry Potter!**

_**9.)Send him shampoo for Christmas, with a note attached that reads, "Take the hint."**_

_**10.) Also send him red and gold socks.**_

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Snape scowled as he looked out the window onto the snowy landscape. Christmas spirit! Bah humbug! It wasn't like he ever got anything! But as he entered his living room and looked at the space beneath his tree (Which Dumdbledore had insisted upon putting in his quarters), we was astonished. Beneath it were several presents.

Severus approached the tree with caution. Of course Dumbledore and several othe rstaff members would've gotten him something, but what wee the other two badly wrapped packages?

He picked up the first gift. It was wrapped in gaudy purple and orange paper. He elegantly tore off the paper, then hissed in severe irritation. Inside was a huge bottle of shampoo. Attached to it was a note:

_Hello, Professor Snape! Just wanted to wish you a Happy Christmas, and to advise you to keep your abnormally large nose out of others' business before you drip grease onto them. Oh yeah, here's your shampoo…take the hint. Ha!_

_You Know Who_

Severus's eyes narrowed. Only two people would've picked out wrapping paper this flashy. "WEASLEYS!"

Underneath Moody's Invisibility Cloak, which they had 'borrowed', Fred and George snickered. "Wait, Professor!" whispered Fred.

"Open the other present!" added George.

Snape ripped up the other present's wrapping, then drew an intake of breath, holding up a pair of red and gold socks. "Who sent me socks with the bloody colors of Gryffindor?!"

Under another Invisibility Cloak, Hermione muttered, "Sorry!"

Ron elbowed her. "Hermione, don't apologize! The socks actually don't look like wooly bladders this time!"

"Yeah, Hermione," said Harry, "they're brilliant!"

No one bothered to talk, and instead dashed away from Snape, who had snatched up his wand. Fleeing, all Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, and George could scream was a cheery, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

* * *

**Wolf: There you have it!**

**Severus: (Grumbles.)**

**Hermione: Professor, could I have those socks back? I want to give them to the House Elves.**

**Ron: Hermione, seriously, give up on spew already!**

**Hermione: It's not spew, Ronald! It's S.P.E.W.**

**Harry: WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP ALREADY?!**

**Wolf: Dude, now I'm deaf from your yelling!**

**Harry: DO YOU NEED TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE?!?!**

**Wolf: Have a very Merry Christmas, my amazing reviewers! Or Hanukkah, or Kwanza, etc. I don't know what else there is, so sorry if I left you out.**


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